Sludge Satire -- Glossary

A Very Special Biosolids Glossary
It helps to laugh sometimes.  Enjoy this satirical glossary.

Adjacent land-owners--Guinea pigs in a long-term laboratory experiment where the government tests to see if all the toxins and metals in sludge will bio-accumulate, leech into the guinea pigs' groundwater, and how many of them will get sick from stench alone.  Industry and government reps meet regularly to take bets on which lab rats will do what-- which will protest the loudest and which will finally succumb and join the cult of biosolids and at what point the last little guinea pig will emit a huge squeal of distress before collapsing from sheer exhaustion from fighting.  Aka lab rats.

Biosolids --The Industry and EPA’s term for sewage sludge.  They always always always combine the term with the talking point “nutrient rich."   Did you ever see that movie “Arsenic and Old Lace” where the ladies poisoned a series of lonely old men?  That elderbery wine they used was “nutrient rich.”

Cult of Biosolids--The true believers in biosolids.  Government employees, politicians, industry reps, big-land-owners, even soil scientists at land grant universities which receive lots of moola from the industry can be in this category--anyone who may financially benefit from the process of turning the flotsam and jetsam of civilization into your morning cereal or the grape-jelly meatballs you take to the church picnic.  Like the members of any cult, they get really angry  and persnickity if confronted with the truth and will keep repeating their mantra,  “biosolids are beautiful” with vacant soulless eyes.

Land Application -- the term they use when they sludge the hell out of land next to you.  

Setback--a buffer zone separating wells, streams, houses, from the sludged area, usually numbered in feet.  Government employees all over America come up with these numbers according to the phase of the moon, because there is no other possible rationale for them.

Sewage Sludge --the leftover mass of chemicals, toxic metals, etc. from the process of making clean water out of wastewater.  This toxic material was outlawed from being dumped into the ocean by the Clean Water Act but by some miracle of alchemy (actually the miracle of branding and bullshit PR) it is fit for land application.  During this miracle of PR alchemy, the toxic little lumps are transmuted into biosolids “gold.”   

Virginia Department of Environmental Quality (DEQ)--Virginia agency in charge of the biosolids program.  I use the phrase “in charge” lightly, as the industry is really in charge.  DEQ is usually pretty cooperative with FOI requests, though, so ask them to send you stuff.  They are limited by what the law will allow them to do, for example, they wouldn’t give me a sample of the biosolids to test because technically, I suppose, the cute little lumps of toxic crap don’t belong to them. 

Virginia Pollution Abatement Permit (VPA)-- The euphemism used to describe the agreement between DEQ and sludge haulers to land-apply sewage sludge.  The only accurate words here are “Virginia” and “Permit” because the process doesn’t abate pollution but causes it.